Further Light and Knowledge

My family was Mormon but since I am the third child of 6 with a different father (shame on you mom, but thanks just the same) I was always an outcast. I was sent to live with lots of people, some relatives, some not, to do what they wanted with me. My stepdad always hated me and I believed so did my mother because of her shame of getting pregnant while the step was away in the Army. I never blamed the mother because all the other siblings have addictions like crazy and I think they mostly come from their father's side. Even being a Mormon was his addiction and he was so mean and nasty and an alcoholic to boot. My mother is a very high functioning schizophrenic and one sister is a paranoid schizophrenic. I was happy to not live in that home very much but who I was sent to live with was even worse! It was obvious I didn't belong to the stepdad's family and there was no humiliation I did not suffer as a child and for many years to come. I'm a little nuts now, myself. I tend to dissociate (called DID) when I get frightened (that is like being in a place, having a conversation then all of a sudden you are in the same place but the entire situation has changed; some people may have left the room, others may be there that weren't and I am left totally confused and crying). I never go anywhere alone for fear that I will disappear and be locked up in a nuthouse and never seen again. I know that sounds extreme but there are four of us in my head and when things go awry, I never know who is going to pop out, nor do I remember anything about the event. I learned to dissociate as a child when very bad things were happening because my little brain and body just couldn't take the pain. I always thought I would outgrow this, but alas, that has not happened and I am almost 60. I have a loving husband of 26 years who works at home and we have created a space in my home where I can go and paint, do yoga, sing, be happy and play with my animals (cats, dogs, fish, frogs and the outside critters, too) And most of all, be safe. I found FLAK and begain reading on it for quite a while before I joined but figured this would be a great, safe place to make friends. I already have some favorites. So, there it is, a kind of screwed up, really nice person who wants to connect to the world in a safe way. I hope this is the right place. By the way, I am really funny! I crack myself up all the time.

I laughed at your last few sentences, Bellah! It's good to make yourself laugh - it means you'll never be bored (or boring, for that matter). Welcome!

So are you the only child of the 6 with a different father? What were some of the different places you were raised? Intriguing story. Welcome to flak!

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He never said it would be worth it; He only said it would be easy.