Further Light and Knowledge

My family has been argueing, lying to each other, playing one against the other and all kinds of other nasty stuff since the dawn of time. I have three sisters and two brothers and only have communication with one brother even tho I would like nothing better than to be with everyone at one time and find some common love between us. I have always been baffled how families can be shattered and stay that way because of hurt feelings, imagined slights, whatever. What ever happened to forgiveness? Is that even practiced anymore except between spouses? We fight with our spouses, have make up sex and all is right with the world again. (I am not advocating make up sex with the family!) But, when it comes to family, and I have seen it over and over, in virtually in every family I've ever known, sisters can't find common ground and even look for reasons to cut the ties and disappear. Mothers always have a favorite and a least favorite (the proverbial black sheep, if you will). Sometimes, at the death of a parent, IF everyone shows for the funeral, some will want to reconcile and if they are old enough and see their mortality facing them, they may realize how important the family ties really can be durng our life time. My heart breaks because I miss my family so much. Does anyone have any solutions or tactics that have worked for you in reconciling with a loved one in your family? I would love some helpful hints on how to break thru the hardest hearts I have ever seen. Of course, I am the black sheep because I am not mormon and it has been that way for at least 45 years but should that really matter when it comes to matters of the heart??

For me the answer is "no". Families have cultures and some of them are extremely dysfunctional. I am related by blood or marriage to a couple of such families. I could probably swap outrageous stories with you (one sister having another arrested for auto theft of their mothers car, breaking us a grown daughter's marriage, etc). For my two cents the best thing you can do is put all the bickering aside and tell everyone that if they are aggrieved, you do not want to hear about it. Instantly a good number will no longer be interested in talking to you, but that is OK. If there only reason to talk to you is to bitch about another relative, you are better off out of the loop.

If people are willing to let you be a "fight-free zone" then you should be positive and supportive. Find things in common and to talk about that do not involve the family history.

Your Taoshi will tell you that people always change, just not in the direction you want them to. Do not expect anyone to change to accomodate you; simply let the self-select to either have a relationship on the terms you can live with (low drama) or not. I'd add that this is something you should teach your children; most are not taught any coping skills for this kind of family situation and are sucked in, to be miserable forever. So your choices are not just for you, they are also for the benefit of your immediate family.

All the best with a bad situation,

Jamie

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"Now I troll back to my little cave where we no talk about things we no understand..." Malfalda

"Ummmm. Roadkill."

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"To those seaching for truth - not the truth of dogma and darkness but the truth brought by reason, search, examination, and inquiry, discipline is required. For faith, as well intentioned as it may be, must be built on facts, not fiction - faith in fiction is a damnable false hope." - Thomas Edison

Well, I don't post too much about my family of origin because this is the internet but the little I do, I will say my family is f*cked up. For many reasons. Undiagnosed depression and co-dependency are a few.

I used to agree with you Bellah - can't we all just get along, put aside our differences.

I now realize that each of my family members is doing the best they can to survive. To keep their heads above water. Being healthy or honest is not necessarily what they need to or are able to do. So, I accept everyone (including myself) with as much as they are able to.

In other words, some families and situations are so f*cked up, healing is just not possible. Personally, I keep an open mind about that, and do whatever work *I* need to do on my side of the street. But until other people do their own work (including honesty and probably cognitive behavioral therapy), healing may not be possible.

And yes, people may die without that healing. And that sucks. But that's reality. I can either be angry about that and let it govern my life, or I can let it go. And I do wish all my family members the best, and every happiness. I want them to be happy, and I realize that I am not the person who can define happiness for them - I don't know what's right for them.

I do think mormonism did negatively impact this by giving a skewed version of family, family devotion, family togetherness. With some families, it's simply not possible. Once I let go of my skewed perception and expectations for my family, I've done a lot better. But it's still hard.

I hate seeing my parents unhappy, for instance. I want to mind my own business, but some days that's easier than others.

PS. Someone on another board talked about growing up in a large family, that while you would think it was great (the media sometimes gives an impression, like the Kennedys or Duggars, that it's ideal). But the poster pointed out in their family, because of the limited resources everyone fought for their own share. This also rang very true for me. It's not just everyone working together for a common goal and supporting each other.

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You know, I understand why people want to hold on to their family and the relationships they have with them. I wish I could say that I want to do so as well. But I don't. My parents are both dead (my mom died in June) and I have actually been looking forward to letting my family relationship go for about 10 years.

After my dad died (about 15 years ago) my mom tried to keep us together. My dad had always been the one that did and being fair and kind to all was never my mom's strong suit. Actually, she was the second most judgemental person I have ever known. This is a woman that would call one of the families of grandkids ugly and stupid because she didn't like their mother. Of course, this was behind my brother's back, but of course the info trickled down to him and he knew what she was saying and how she felt. So there has been a breach in my family between my 3 sisters and my brother for about ten years. I started out trying to straddle the fence but in the end I just couldn't go along with it and firmly planted myself in my brother's camp. Good thing I did. I found out that after we left the church my family was vilified and made fun of as well.

Now that my mom is gone. my sister has decided she is "in charge." She is the most judgemental person I have ever met--even more than my mom--I guess that's why they got along so well. My younger sisters follow my older sister in everything she says and does.

What has helped me to get past the hurt is the quote from the Big Chill that goes something like this: "A long time ago we knew each other for a short while."

Just because I lived with these people about 16 years (them moving on and marrying, me moving out at 19) doesn't mean that they know me or are relevant to my life today. We live a couple of states away from each other and haven't been an important part of their lives for years. We moved this summer and I have neglected to give my sisters my new address. I know they can contact me through text and social media, but I can control the levels there. I imagine that as a few years pass we won't have any contact at all. And that's ok with me.

Thanks everyone. I especially, Mahona, like the quote, "A long time ago we knew each other for a little while." So true. I guess the optimist in me just wants peace because we all know how feeling a mother or sister or brother doesn't love you or care what happens to you (unless they need money, that is...) and it affects how we view how others love us as well. My family tends to disappear and band together for a decade at a time, leaving me out in the cold, and each time I grieve like they died and swear I will never get sucked in again. And then someone writes and my heart wants to try again. This time, tho, I think I shall remain quiet and remember what love and support I have with my husband and friends, who basically have been my family for the past 26 years anyway no matter what. Again, thanks.

I like Tina Turner's song "What's Love got to do with it". Sometimes people aren't capable of love (what does that mean anyway??!?).

A person can't control what other people think or how they feel. Much as we'd like to sometimes. I tend to send people my love and respect, no matter what relationship I have with them. Once I stopped expecting more from them than they could deliver - things started getting better.

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Sometimes it seems as though we hurt most the people we love most.

My mom and her two sisters have been at it since they were children. My mother is the oldest, and she sometimes gets along with the middle one, but rarely with the youngest. It's so bad they don't even visit on holidays, even though they only live a few miles apart.

For a while, I was the only person in the family everybody was okay with. Unfortunately for me, that has changed. Now I have a sister who doesn't talk to me at all, and my brother and one aunt only talk to me when they want to argue about politics. Aside from that, I never hear from those two even though I have repeatedly mentioned that I'd like to hear about how they are doing, what's going on in their lives, etc., not just about politics. *sigh*

Anyway, if I had a way to bring family members together, not only would my family life be lots happier, but I'd be making truckloads of money telling people the secret.

My relationship with my family is getting better - as you may recall, I had a hysterical post a few months back about one of my brothers visiting. We were the typical resource-stretched family, with the added burden of having a father who played favorites and attached a lot of conditions to his love. So although we could have been close, no one trusted each other. And to some degree, my family is still not close, although our common point is our mother, as all of the kids are quite protective of her. (And she is a very sweet woman, although she never did stand up to my father about the way he treats his family, herself included)

I would recommend drawing the line when it comes to mind games and family politics. Once the line is drawn, if anyone still wants to have a relationship with you, then it's probably safe.

And to be honest, sometimes you do need to reach out a little - this past year I've learned a lot more about my family and one lesson that has stuck with me is that sometimes I am the one holding back. There is a pretty big age range with my siblings, half of them moved out by the time I was six. Turns out I don't know them nearly as well as I thought; some of my older siblings are a lot shyer than I realized. I was acutely embarrassed to find out that one of my older brothers (who moved halfway across the country when I was eight) is inactive. I still haven't managed to get him to open up about why he's inactive but this has been going on for years and I never knew.

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A Post-Mormon Life: http://postmormongirl.blogspot.com

Thanks guys for all the responses. I wonder if the cavemen played all these emotional vampire games with each other's families? Probably. Human nature, I guess. I am trying to distance myself and put some fairly strong bounderies in place to not be a punching bag (emotionally, now that I am grown, all the bad physical stuff happened when I was much younger).

Besides, they are all mormons and I am not. That just may sum it up!!